


The Lottery

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck, The Lottery - Shirley Jackson
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, April Fools' Day, GAY GAY GAY, Gay, Gay Love, Gay Sex, Homo Love, Humanstuck, M/M, gay boys, none of them are bisexual, these boys are so gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-13 00:06:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10502301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: John Egbert is not a homosexual but he's in love with the red-eyed Karkat Vantas. What will he do? Something gay?





	1. gay

 

 

Your name is John Egbert and this is a big day for you! You're going to Alternia High School today.

 

You open your eyes. You take your glasses off the bedstand. You get your bathrobe out of the closet. You go to the bathroom. You do your morning business on the toilet. You wash your hands. You take off your Ghostbusters pajamas and glasses. You turn on the shower. You get into the water. You soap yourself up then rinse off the soap. You lather up your hair with shampoo before rinsing it. You turn off the shower. You get out of the bathtub. You put back on your glasses. You grab a towel. You dry yourself off. You comb your hair. You put on the bathrobe. You leave the bathroom. You go back to your bedroom. You take off your bathrobe. You put on clean tighty whities. You put on knee-length khaki shorts, a long-sleeve shirt with a knock-off Ghostbusters symbol on it, white socks, and white sneakers. You look at yourself in the mirror. Your skin is coffee-colored and your orbs are a deep blue like the ocean but you have buck-teeth. You are very handsome and if you were gay you'd love yourself. You look around at your many movie posters. You sure love Nic Cage, but only in a heterosexual way. You pack up all your things for school. You have a Ghostbusters Trapper Keeper, a pack of pencils, a pack of pens, paper, Colonel Sassacre's book, fake vomit, fake dog poo, fake blood, fake arms, a Ouija board, a deck of cards, and a framed picture of Nic Cage. Your backpack has a ghost on it. You think you are well-prepared for high school. You go downstairs. There is a lot of harlequin paraphernalia around the house. You don't like clowns. They scare youYour father is in the kitchen. He is wearing a white dress shirt, white dress pants, a tie, and a white fedora, and he has a pipe in his mouth. He is a handsome man but he's your father so you don't have thoughts like that about him.

 

“I made you a cake!” he chimes.

 

You look at the table. On it is a huge sheet cake with the words “CONGRATULATIONS SON ON YOUR FIRST DAY AT ALTERNIA HIGH SCHOOL” in blue letters. He must have made it in honor of your first day at Alternia High School.

 

“Dad, I don't like cake!” you squeal.

 

“Nonsense, son!” he retorts.

 

He cuts you a slice of the cake. He puts in on a plate. He gives it to you. You sit down to eat the cake. You wonder if he would be this proud if you were gay. You aren't gay though. You have a very close and loving relationship with your father. You love him, no homo. You eat the cake even though you don't want to. It is too sweet and made by the evil Betty Crocker.

 

“The cake was gross, Dad,” you critic.

 

“A growing boy needs cake!”

 

You finish the slice of cake. You wash off the dish. You put it in the dishwasher.

 

“Bye, Dad,” you salute.

 

You pick up your backpack which is full of shit. You leave the house. Alternia High School is not far away from your new house. You walk there. It takes thirteen .4 minutes. It's a lovely walk. You enter the school. You check your schedule. Your homeroom is Room 314 with a Ms. Paint. You walk down several halls to go to that room. You enter. There are fifteen students in the classroom.

 

“Hey, everyone!!” you introduce, “my name is John Egderp – I mean, Egbert! Hee hee.”

 

“MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1! 1'M GO1NG TO L1CK YOU!” exclaims a Jewish girl with red hair wearing red shoes and red anime shades and a Judge Judy t-shirt. You think she's blind.

 

“My name is Nepeta! Tell me about your ships!” exclaims a Mongolian girl wearing a cat hat and a cleft lip.

 

“I am called Rose Lalonde,” said a lavender-eyed girl mysteriously, “Let me psychoanalysis you.”

 

“Hello My Name Is Rose's Girlfriend Kanaya I Will Make You A Dress,” pronounces a Swiss girl wearing an elegant green ballgown.

 

“Thup, my name ith Thollux and I'm not happy two meet you,” lisps a Burmese boy with bichromatic eyes.

 

“Nyeh, my name is Eridan. Wwanna fuck?” asks a Maltese male in a little plaid skirt. You ignore him because you aren't gay.

 

“Hey, bro, all the ladies call me David 'Elizabeth' Strider,” says a blonde wearing douchey aviator shades.

 

“I'm Jade, your cousin, remember?!!” perks a bucktooth girl who is your cousin.

 

“Underclassmen, I am called Equius,” drips a very sweaty but muscular boy as he wipes himself off with a horse towel. His body makes you feel funny.

 

“Motherfucking miracles my name is Gamzee,” says a six foot five and a half inch boy with a foot tall afro and bloodshot eyes who smells like patchouli.

 

“Glub, my name is Feferi and I love the fish!” glubs a Venezuelan girl wearing goggles for some reason.

 

“My naaaaaaaame is Vriskaaaaaaaa and you'll find I have aaaaaaaall the iroooooooons in the fiiiiiiiire!” heats up a South African girl wearing a Nic Cage shirt. Maybe you'll talk to her later about Nic Cage.

 

“Uhhhh, uhhhh, my, name, is, uhh, Tavros,” blushes a Brazilian boy in a wheelchair.

 

“I'm Aradia and I'm okay,” intones a goth girl.

 

“Thanks for the greetings!” you return.

 

This seems to be everyone. They all seem so interesting. You want to make friends with everyone, even the douchey people. You sit down. You take out your Trapper Keeper. Ms. Paint enters the room. She is a short woman wearing a colorful pastel dress. She's also an English teacher.

 

“Good morning!” she greets good morning, “Today we have a new student! Please stand up.”

 

You stand up. “Uh, heh, my name is John Egbert. I moved here from Maple Valley, Washington.”

 

“WE ALREADY KNOW THAT,” capslocks a Roma boy in the corner.

 

You look over to see a Roma boy in the corner. He wears a black sweater with grey mom jeans that belie how swole he is. He is short with messy black hair and has the cutest little face despite his scowl.

 

“Don't be rude, Karkat Vantas,” says Ms. Paint.

 

Karkat Vantas. That is the name of that oh-so-cute boy. You are not a homosexual but you fall instantly in love with him. But will he return your love, given how angry he is with you?

 

 

 


	2. gay gay

Your name is still John Egbert and you are still not a homosexual even though you are madly in love with Karkat. You sit through homeroom though you keep looking at his crimson orbs. Soon, homeroom ends.

 

You go to all your other classes. Eventually, it's lunch time. Gamzee, Tavros, Equius, Eridan, Sollux, Dave, Rose and Kanaya, Nepeta, Terezi, Vriska, Feferi, Jade, and of course Karkat are sitting at one table. It's a very big table.

 

“I painted a portrait of a horse attacking a football player in art class,” Equius aestheticized.

 

“I wwrote a report on A Song a Fire and Ice for history class,” Eridan said, “I like R. R. Martin's books better since there are more fantastical elements to it while the TV series is aboat debunking fantasy and medievalism though I like some of the changes like...”

 

 

“I wrote a report on all my ships!” Nepeta meowed.

 

“I-I-I f-f-found, uhh, some rare P-pokemon, p-playing Pokemon Go, during class,” Tavros stuttered.

 

Gamzee crafted a sentence: “I made a bong in shopclass.”

 

“I pontificated on the theories of Dr. Sigmund Freud while doodling tentacles,” said Rose Lalonde.

 

“I sewed a wedding dress for I and Rose Lalonde,” said Rose Lalonde's girlfriend.

 

Sollux admitted, “I thnunked my way into the Thecret Thervice webthite.”

 

Feferi glubbed, “I pike to swim!!!!!”

 

Vriska laughed, “You don't need to know what I did except AAAAAAAALL theeeeeee iiiiiiiiroooooooons aaaaaaaare iiiiiiiiin theeeeeeee fiiiiiiiireeeeeeee.”

 

“...but that's just my opinion,” finished Eridan.

 

“I was on photography class like a plate of Spaghetti-Os on a turntable in February when none of the good movies ever come out because it's too late for the Oscars,” Dave rambled.

 

Rose rambled back, “Very good, David Elizabeth Strider.”

 

Terezi objected, “1 HUNG 3V3RY0N3 1N 4 MOCK TR14L!”

 

“I guess I should talk about the anime Shoujo Kakumei Utena a.k.a. Revolutionary Girl Utena,” Jade appealed, “But I've never seen it. It came out when I was four after all.”

 

“You dumpasses talk too much and I fucking hate you so much,” Karkat said but you know he didn't mean it.

 

“I think you're all swell!” you tell them in response to their rambling.

 

Everyone talks more. You stare into Karkat's crismon orbs. You watch as he ignores you all to eat his lunch: a banana and a Cherry Popsicle. He is really good at eating both without gagging. You have no gag reflex either but that's not important. You are also impressed that his eyes are red. Your favorite color was blue but now it's red. You want to put your hands through his messy black hair. You want to kiss him on his scowl. Could you be a homosexual?

 

“Stop staring at me, you fucking creep,” says your soulmate, his dark eyeflashes flurting over his orbs.

 

You decide to take out your lunch. It is of course an entire cake and a Lunchable brand lunch. Lunchables are so weird. It's like they aren't really food. You never get full off of one. Yet you still always want your parents to buy them. Lunchables are like those Meals Famine made in the Neil Gaiman/Terry Pratchett book “Good Omens”. That was satire but here we are in 2017 with something just like it. It's insidious marketing. It's terrible how all this junk food is marketed to children. Children shouldn't be eating all this pre-packaged food. You really are too old to eat a Lunchable since you are in high school but that's just the way you are.

 

Meanwhile, Gamzee drinks two litre of faygo out of his bong.

 

After lunch is gym. It is not your favorite class but you must go. You play Dodgeball. Equius wins. You work up a great sweat playing but not as much as Equius does. After class, you go to the locker room. You untie your gym sneakers. You put the tongue of your gym sneaker to take them off. You take off your tube socks. You have Size 10 feet. You pull your gym shirt over your head. You pull your shorts down around your ankles. You step out of them. You pull down your now-sweaty tightie whities. You look at your down there. It's a nice down there. You are circumised. You put on your flip flops. You take off your glasses. You go into the shower. You think about how gay it would be if Karkat was next to you before remembering he isn't in this class. This is a shame, because this would be a great moment to bond. You shampoo your hair and rinse it. You wash your arms. You wash your armpits. You wash your down there, even though you are circumised. You bend over to wash your legs.

 

“Thurpithe!” Sollux surprises you as he hits your butt with a towel.

 

“Owww!” you say in pain from being hit on the butt with a towel.

 

“Thop bitching, it could be worthe,” Sollux lisps.

 

“And I knoww,” bitches Eridan, who is also there.

 

You put a towel around you. You go back to the lockers. You dry off. You get dressed. You go to your next class.

 

Eventually, classes are over. You pack up your Ghostbusters Trapper Keeper, a pack of pencils, a pack of pens, paper, Colonel Sassacre's book, fake vomit, fake dog poo, fake blood, fake arms, a Ouija board, a deck of cards, and a framed picture of Nic Cage, and also your homework for various classes. Your path home takes you around the school where you can see a short but extremely cute boy lean against the brick. His crimson orbs look at you.

 

“Hey, Egderp,” say your beloved soulmate, “I want to talk to you.”

 

“What's cooking, Karkat?” you ask.

 

“Stop making this so hard, you fucking complete waste of space that I hate so much! Argggghhh!” Karkat grabs his messy hair and screams.

 

“Uhh...”

 

Karkat looks back at you. His cheeks are redder than his eyes. He blushes, “I want you to be my soulmate.”

 

You say, “I was just about to ask the same thing but I'm not a homosexual!”

 

“Oh come on, you totally are. What about your famed nude picture of Nic Cage?”

 

“Huh, guess I am a homosexual.”

 

“Now let's have sloppy makeouts before I change my mind.”

 

So you grab the small short boy and pull him in with your super-strong pianist hands. Your pianist hands touch his blushing warm cheeks. You place your lips on his soft but masculine lips. Your tongues meet and battle for dominance, with your tongue winning, of course. Your genetic material, namely salivia, mixes together in the buckets of your mouth. You pull away and a strand of salivia is left in the wake of your lips. These are masculine kisses, not at all like you imagine weak feminine kisses that come from girls.

 

“Let's fuck,” you whisper in his ear.

 

You do it right on that brick wall. It's fantastic! It also lasts an hour. You never thought gay sex could be so good. Could this be love?

 

Your name is John Egbert and you just lost your virginity against a brick wall. You're also longer than Karkat though he's pretty thick.

 

 


	3. final gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good night everyone

Your name is John Egbert and you are lying in bed with Karkat and you are so gay and you have a gay boyfriend that you love.

 

“I'm pansexual, you assholes!” qualifies Karkat.

 

“Of course you are,” you say as you kiss your gay boyfriend on the nose.

 

It's been three months and fourteen days since you became soulmates. Your father doesn't mind you sleeping together. Karkat pratically lives with you now.

 

Still, you have to get ready for school. After some shower sex, you get ready for school. You go to school.

 

You enter the school hand-in-hand. All of your friends are waiting for you.

 

Nepeta squees even though she used to have a crush on Karkat. Now she tags the school with your pictures.

 

“So gay!” she squees.

 

“Excuse me,” Rose Lalonde exposites, “But today is of the very upmost of importance, for today is the day of the lottery.”

 

“Lottery?” you ask, “But I didn't buy a ticket.”

 

“Don't worry!” Aradia finger-pistols, “We're all included!”

 

The loud-speaker comes to life. “Hey, everyone, this is Principal Andrew Hussie. It's time for The Lottery and if you don't know what that is, think back to the short story you read in English class. Everyone assemble into the assembly room. Also, I deleted my Formspring because you all are a bunch of freaks, but you can still find me on Twitter. Peace out.”

 

You don't know what Principal Andrew Hussie is talking about but you still fill into the assembly room with all your friends and all your friends' older siblings and everyone in the school.

 

On the stage is an orange man in a green shirt with a sword on it. He is standing next to a big plastic ball with little ping pong balls in it.

 

His big orange lips move. “Hello everyone in the cast. This is April 1st a.k.a. April Fools Day, which should be a clue that you might not want to go further. Actually, it's pretty amazing you've gone this far. Your standards must be low.”

 

You do not know what he's talking about.

 

He continues, “Okay, let's kick this bitch down the stairs!”

 

The green-shirted principal turns on the machine. It hums. The ping-pong balls lifts up and swirl around inside in a kinetic rhythm. Finally, a ball rolls down a chute and the principal grabs it. He reads off of it.

 

“And the winner is...Kankri Vantas!”

 

Most everyone cheers.

 

You turn to Karkat. “Isn't he your brother?”

 

Karkat sighes. “Unfortunately.”

 

Kankri stands up. “I protest this arbutary method! We should do it in alphabetical order! Michael Byrone was picked last time so it should go to C-A!”

 

“Nice try, social justice warrior, but you're going down. I made you and I can destroy you just as easily. Horse boys, grab him!”

 

Equius and Horuss grab Kankri.

 

“I'M BEING TRIGGERED!” yells Kankri as he is dragged to the stage.

 

“Yeah, we should have tagged this, but it'd ruin the cruel 'prank'.” Principle Andrew Hussie admits, “Welp.”

 

Kankri's sweater is ripped off, revealing pants that go up to his pierced nipples. Someone wolf-whistles inappropriately. Kankri is tied to a cross that just appeared on the stage.

 

“Oh, and you have to add religious appropriation too! Nice!” Kankri sarcasms before he's gagged.

 

Principal Hussie says, “There are rocks under everyone's chairs. Try to aim before you throw. Good luck! I'm outtie.” He skateboards out.

 

People take the skateboarding principals

 

You turn to Karkat. “Aren't you worried about your brother?”

 

“He's an asshole who doesn't care about people, unlike me, who totally cares deeply for his friends despite it all,” Karkat says.

 

“Fair enough,” you say.

 

You have a great time throwing rocks. The activity really bonds together to school in a dystopian way. When the rocks are out, you turn to your soulmate with your own “rock” a.k.a. A diamond.

 

“Karkat,” you propose as you open the jewel box, “Will you marry me?”

 

“Of course I'll fucking marry you! Why wouldn't I?”

 

“You will? Wow! This is the perfect day ever!”

 

“Excuse me, my soulmate died!” cries the crying greaser next to you.

 

“Jeez, you're so touchy, Cronus.”

 

“I lost my brother and you don't see me crying,” pointed out Karkat.

 

“Karkat and John, why don't you kiss already??” says the Leijon's.

 

So you and Karkat kiss. The entire school turn to you and cheered.

 

 

Once Karkat finished sitting shiva for Kankri, you got married. Soon after, you gave birth to twins: Nic Cage Egbert-Vantas and Adam Sandler Egbert-Vantas. Finally, you had the happy homelife you always dreamed of.

 

THE END

 

 


End file.
